THIS JUST IN!!

More obligatory headlines of tenuous relevance...

OUTRAGE!! Male, Balding, Fortyish: "What do you mean Bluesfest is over?"

UNDERWAY!! Lake Superior begins summer-to-fall conversion. Local responds: "It kinda sucks."

AKWARD!! Mars and Earth closest in last 30,000 years. Earth: "Mars gets all weird when... too close. Y'know?"

UNFORTUNATE!! Venus: "Earth gets all 'I'll call you' whenever this happens. Whatever."

EXPECTED!! Moon-landing conspiracist: "Mars really isn't that close. They just want you to believe that."

UNNECESSARY!! More mushrooms on that pizza.

NECESSARY!! A side of wings.

REQUISITE!! Kayak Kolsch.

... Developing ...